byAbimbola Abe

Letter to myself

Dear me,

You have always been the sweet last born of the house, eager to please and satisfy your older ones. Always agreeing and seeking their affirmations for everything. You are the sweet, innocent, obedient child that always pleases others while putting a hold to what you really want. "When I grow older, I'll do what I've always wanted to do", you tell yourself. Even though as you grew older, you forgot those things you really want.  Taking responsibility for everything; you still say sorry, even when they're wrong. As long as you're making everyone happy, even at the detriment of your future- you're satisfied.

You've always been locked indoors, the neighbour’s kids are not allowed to come over and you're not allowed to go either. They are either too corrupt or your mum has issues with their parent. Loneliness has always been a part of your life, even as a kid, you've always lived a life of an adult. Listening to them, imitating their doings, gradually as you grew older, you realized you never had a childhood.

In Primary school, you hardly mingled with classmates, there's this immaturity you perceive in them believing you're not in the same category. You've outgrown this, their behavior and acts always putting you off.

In secondary school, a prophet told your mum about how friends are really dangerous for you. You remember how he raised his hands up in that Creamy robe of his, shaking his head like he's possessed by some unforeseen forces. But you believed him. Throughout your secondary school days, you hardly made friends. You were always alone, enjoying the company of yourself.

Remember that day you almost slapped a girl because she was getting unnecessarily close.

It was all about school, God and church. No friends to share anything with.

Then the breakthrough came when you moved and changed environment. Change in environment came with a change in school, and there you met this saucy girl that taught you the meaning of friendship. You tried your best not to get close, but the more she noticed your withdrawal, the closer she came. You guys became really close after that. Her friendship brought in more friends for you, mentality has changed, friends aren't bad at all and they give you this sense of comfort. You know there's someone out there, apart from your close relatives that really do care.

Remember when you became so close with Gift and mum called you to remind you of the prophesy and how you shouldn't have friends. That day, you gave her a piece of your mind not minding to have sounded disrespectful. But it's been long enough to have stayed away from the reality of the world.

And yes, did you forget the prophet that banned you from eating Okro, claiming it wasn't good for your brain, and it'll make you slow and less brilliant. And you stayed far away from it while you covetously watch others eat it.

It's been years you've started eating Okro and you still don't see how it affects your alertness.

You smile when people say you're mature than your age, though you miss having a childhood but you admire the strength and maturity you gained along the way.

People around you still wonder how you can stay indoors for weeks without getting bored

You've unlearned and relearnt some things on your own. 

You've grown to take responsibility than blame it on others

You've grown to make big decisions on your own.

Even now, you still get satisfied by making other people smile

But you've grown so much, you don't seek others affirmation to live your life.

You thirst so much for success and you are always ready to improve your skill set and make necessary sacrifices.

You've made so many friends now that wonder how stagnant you would have been without them.

Though you're not where you should be yet, but you're not where you used to be.

You're grateful for your achievements, your friends and the best version of yourself that you're becoming.


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